Posted in Blog, Featured, Friends, Mother, Rebecca, Woman

Life is brutiful

Life is brutiful. It’s both brutal and beautiful all mixed up together in one little package.

I heard this term recently for the first time and absolutely loved it. It probably describes life perfectly for everyone, but for me lately especially.

Thursday, March 8th in the early morning, a wonderful and close long-time friend of mine passed away. I’ve heard many people say after a long struggle with cancer that they “lost their battle” to cancer. I would never use that term with my friend. She was an overcomer if I ever knew one.

After being diagnosed with breast cancer quite a few years ago, she NEVER seemed like she was in a battle. She overcame every obstacle with grace and dignity and such would also describe her life more than adequately.

Life is brutal. Crap happens. People get sick. Loved ones struggle. Friends die tragically and way too early. Innocent kids get hurt.

Somewhere in the middle of all of it, life is also beautiful. Sick people get well. Miracles happen. Friends lean on each other. People forgive and are reconciled. In the midst of sadness and despair, love triumphs and provides hope and comfort.

I would describe Thursday, March 8th as such a day.

My son was napping when I heard the news of my friend passing away. Many of us had faith that she would wake up from her coma and walk out of the hospital. Many others believed for quite some time that the end was near. I wasn’t sure what I believed except that I knew God was in control and I trusted He had a plan.

As I sat there crying and thinking of her life and our interactions, years of memories came flooding back to me. She had been a friend, a mentor, a “mom”, and more. She made every day count and never counted the days. I think I will write a bio post on her soon. Her legacy is not to be forgotten!

My son woke up and I realized we had to go pick up Daddy at work. I told him that I just had to go potty and fix my makeup. As I was on the potty, (yes we have most of our profound discussions in the bathroom), my little sweet guy asked why I had to fix my makeup. I said because I had been crying. Here’s how the conversation went.

Why do you have to fix your makeup mommy?

Because I was crying.

Why were you crying?

Because I am sad.

Why are you sad?

Because today, I lost a close friend. She died. She’s no longer here on earth with us.

Where did she go?

(We’ve been trying to explain this to him since we lost our friend in the avalanche a few weeks ago. Obviously he’s only 2 and I’m not really sure how much of this he can grasp.)

She’s in heaven now with God.

Oh, that’s good. I know God. What was her name? (sounds like he says “mane”) What was your friends mane that went to heaven?

Her name is Nancy.

Oh, ok. What was the angel’s name?

The who? What did you just say?

He was standing there looking very serious with his fingers up twirling his hair. Obviously frustrated that I didn’t understand him, he repeated himself very firm even slowing down and speaking louder.

What was the angel’s name that took Nancy to heaven to be with God?

Whoh. Where did that come from? I’ve never said anything like that to him before.

Ummmm, not sure honey. I just don’t know.

Hmmmm, well ok I will just ask God later.

And then he just strolled out of the bathroom.

Don’t ask me what that was. I have no idea where that came from, but it was beautiful. The funny part about it was how serious he was when he was asking. It was no joke.


Beautiful part 2.

My mom had come over for dinner because it was her birthday and I cooked a yummy lasagna for us to eat. My hubby was tired so he and the little guy went to bed early. We decided to watch a movie and it ended up going pretty late. I ended up getting into bed around 1 am.

After laying there for a few minutes, I couldn’t keep my mind off Nancy. I was sad. I was also relieved she was no longer suffering physically. She was in a better place and that gave me peace.

All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion. I laid there quietly crying. I knew I wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon.

Then I heard a little voice, “mama! mommy. mama.”

That’s odd, I thought. He never wakes up in the middle of the night anymore.

I went into his room and figured he must have lost his binky or something. Nope, he was just laying there with his eyes open.

Whatcha doing honey? What do you need, I asked him.

Mom, I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much.

Huh? And I just lost it. I knelt down and just collapsed on his little bed and rested my head on his chest.

Then he said, I just wanted to tell you that because it makes you happy. And I don’t want you to be sad.

Who is this kid? The timing of it all was just mind blowing.

As I laid there, he just kept touching my cheek, brushed my hair aside and just repeated over and over, “It’s ok. It’s ok.”

After my good long cry was over, I sat up and he asked if I was ok. I said yes and told him how much I loved him and how special this moment was for me.

He said, good because I just love you so much.

Ok, I get it kid.

Then he just says, “ok well it’s time to go back to bed. good night.” And he just rolled over and closed his eyes.

I sat there for a minute trying to figure out how and just what had happened. How did he know?

I went back to bed and as I relaxed I wondered who that message was truly from. I felt God’s love and comfort just filling up my room. I haven’t felt peace like that in a long time. I had a certainty that everything was ok and was going to be ok, no matter what.

As much as I have experienced the brutal part of life lately, I’ve even more so experienced it’s beauty. I don’t have an answer as to why things happen. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, it may bring more of the brutal.

And as scary as that is, I also know that the beautiful will be there too.




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  1. Mary Williams says:

    Beautiful! Thank you for sharing. 🙂 <3 <3 /\ Hugs Mary

  2. What a great story. And what a sweet little guy. Thank you for sharing this- I’m sure it was hard!

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