Posted in Blog, Featured, Mother, Rebecca

I’m neither here nor there

Although very important to me, going to Church has somewhat been a huge frustration for me since my son was born, almost 3 years ago.

At first, we’d sit in the back. He’d be in his carseat sleeping away. Our services only go from 11-12:15 so I’d rarely need to nurse him while there. As he got older, he became more work. Nursing in the nursery was still fine because they have speakers in there so I can still hear the lesson. It would be cozy in there just rocking my little guy. Although he barely made a peep, after a while I spent most of the services back in the nursery. It seemed like it was ALWAYS at church that he had to nurse or spit up or have a blowout.

Then the thoughts started creeping in, “Why on earth do I even come here? It’s not like I get to say more than 2 words to anyone. Or actually participate in the service.” Sigh.

Some ages were easier than others. My son is a pretty mellow guy. He was never much of a crier or screamer. Many times during church we could be in the service with everyone and he’d be happy with his Sophie and some cheerios.

Man, do I miss those baby days. Gone is my mellow and QUIET kid. Now he is 2.5 yrs old and the energizer bunny has taken hold of our lives. He demands my attention, my correction, and my cuddles. Oh and my hair.

Today and probably for the millionth time, I was thinking while sitting there, “I am neither here nor there.” He’s sitting on the floor playing relatively quiet and then he feels the need to practice reciting his numbers, LOUDLY. Ssshhhh. Whisper! Sorry, Mama, he says. I’ll be quiet.

I look back up to the front of the Church. Now what point was he in the middle of making? Oh crap, I’m totally lost now. Uggghh. I can barely pay attention to a lesson when I’m by myself and I have my own thoughts to deal with.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Listen to the lesson, try to figure out what’s being said, what can I learn here? Then….SHHHH! Whisper. No, don’t smack me with Buzz lightyear. Pick up that raisin. You’re gonna step on it. “Mom, I need to go potty!!” Sigh.

Like I said, I’m neither here nor there. Or is it, I’m here AND there. Isn’t this the slogan of my life? As mothers we are everywhere all at once (or at least expected to be) like we possess some sort of omnipresent superpower. It doesn’t quite work out that way. It seems more like I’m partially here, partially there, but never anywhere 100%. I end up feeling like I’m not really 100% committed to any one thing or person.

Maybe those that are good at multi-tasking are already perfect at this practice. Whew. I’ve got a long way to go to master it.

For now, this is my life. I just need to choose to be happy to be in the PRACTICE of this. Focus on this one thing. Now SWITCH. And then make sure dinner doesn’t burn. And answer the phone, Daddy is calling. Oh, and FEDEX is here to drop off a package. And now my son is at the counter trying to stir the stuff on the stove.

I think I’ll just start with a deep breath and figure the rest out later.

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