Posted in Authors, Blog, Featured, Friends, Mother, Rebecca, Wife

A great place to start

This is my life. Always stretched between two extremes. It seems to be full of drastic differences lately. Someone asks me, “How are you doing?” And I reply, “I could say good. That’s what everyone says. Are you asking because you really want to know? Or just to be polite? I’m not sure how to answer. If you don’t really care, I’ll just say Good and leave it at that. If you want the truth, you better have more time, say….2 hours? How long do you have?”

I honestly don’t have just one answer. Some areas of my life are actually great. I have many blessings that I am thankful for, a warm house, a loving husband, an amazing and intelligent child, a car that works, food on the table, etc etc. One answer might sum all of that up and it would be the truth.

In contrast, there always seems to be the extreme opposite side going on simultaneously. Let’s see, my husband hasn’t had much work for 2 years which means no money to go on dates or really to do anything. Or my Mom is pretty sick and doesn’t seem to be getting any better. She also doesn’t seem to care or want to get better. That’s pretty depressing. Or the fact that things keep breaking in our house and we can’t afford to repair them. And then my husband dislocates his shoulder and we have no insurance. This whole side of the fence would be summed up perfectly by saying, “Sometimes life just seems too overwhelming and I honestly wonder if I’ll ever get out of this hole.”

If I say that though, then everyone will start to get worried and wonder if I’m OK. Or worse, ask me if I’m depressed.

Why is it that people always seem to have the expectation that everybody have this thing called life completely figured out?

It’s so hard and time consuming to keep up appearances when life is not going perfectly. But that’s just it. Who’s life is perfect?

I’m not perfect. And I don’t care who knows.

I just wish it was a little easier to talk about how imperfect I am. Does that make sense? When someone is giving off the vibe that “they have it all put together”, it doesn’t exactly create the atmosphere of me wanting to share my mishaps and challenges with them.

What I think is that they won’t understand. Or they won’t care. Or that it makes me feel “less than” because I’m struggling and they are not. Or that I’m always being such a downer because I need to talk and vent about how crappy things are and how I am so desperate for a change.

Sadly, I can count on one hand how many friends I have that I feel the freedom and trust with to just talk about anything, no matter what. Some friends make it obvious they only want to hear about the good stuff. Other friends I can be talking to for less than 60 seconds and we are already talking about the deepest darkest stuff in our hearts.

Here’s how it goes. As much as I’m dishing it out that I want to expect more transparency from other friends and more vulnerability, I know I should be that kind of friend to them FIRST. I’ve struggled with relationships for so long, I sometimes wonder if I truly know how to be a good friend.

I think I am seeing it now though. What I value as important, I should ask myself if I’m giving that to my friends. If I’m not, then I have my answer. So I’ll start there. I think, no…I know that I want to work on that this year.

Be a better friend. Be a better listener. Be more transparent. Be a giver. Be open. Be honest.

This at least seems like a great place to start.

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