Posted in Blog, Featured, Friends, Love and marriage, Rebecca

Chasing after the best

I grew up moving a lot. The longest I lived anywhere was 4 years. Even after I moved out, I didn’t settle down somewhere until I got married. Since being married I’ve been living in the same place for 5 years now. Wow, a new record.

I was always the new girl in school, but always quick to make friends. Put me in a room of strangers and I’m good at making friends instantly even today. I never had a best friend and when it came to about middle school, I started to think this was a big deal. I was missing out on a huge part of sisterhood. Everyone had a BFF….except for me, the new girl.

I spent years being jealous of everyone’s BFF relationships hoping and praying that one day, we’d put down roots in a city to stay for good. Even when I didn’t know when we’d be moving again, I was always jumping in 100% to every relationship in hopes this would “be the one.” Then a year or sometimes just a few months would go by and I’d be saying goodbye to yet another friend. It was looking like I should just give up on my dream.

After college, I settled down for a while (still living on my own) and thought I was putting roots down. I developed close friends, but it seemed as much as I “tried out” for the role, everyone already had the spot of BFF filled. After all, most relationships like this I came upon had been developing since middle school or even elementary school. How could I compete with that?

Ok, it was not like I was really competing for a best friend. It was just a longing I had in my heart. I never had any sisters. I just wanted that ONE friend that was my buddy. The one I could call anytime and the one that called ME anytime.

Would I ever find her? Was she looking for me too? Does this type of relationship even truly exist or am I living in an illusion?

Even after I met my husband and married, I still felt this hole. Anywhere I go, I’m always wondering if this new friendship will be the one. But deep down inside, I have these thoughts too. If I find a best friend, will I have to move one day? Every time I got close to someone when I was younger, it always came to an end. I always had to say goodbye at some point. So maybe there is no point to getting close to someone anyway.

It’s true. Moving around so much has given me the ability to be highly adaptable to change. I even like change. The flipside is also true. I am not sure what it means to be close to someone, girlfriends that is. I was never around long enough to truly develop intimate relationships. Now as an adult, I’m struggling with the lack of intimate girlfriend relationships.

This picture is of me and my friend, Anna, from Sweden. She’s the closest I’ve known to having a best friend. Sadly, she lives on another continent. We talk often and each time it’s like we just talked yesterday.

my Swedish sister, Anna

The relationship of a husband best friend is different than a girl bestie. My husband is my true best friend. He knows all my secrets, will listen to me anytime and support me, he challenges me, and talks to me until 3 in the morning. We laugh together, cry together, and play together. He is brutally honest, keeps his word, and makes me want to be a better woman.

I will always have him, this is for sure. but I still wonder about the BFF thing. Am I just caught up in the IDEA of it or does it really exist?

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  1. I have always felt the same way, Rebecca. I have friends, but none I would feel confident to call my BFF. I think I never found myself worthy of having that label, therefore I have never allowed myself to label someone as such. I love you. I enjoy when we hang out. Two BFFless women like us need to stick together. 😉

  2. I think the BFF girlfriend in adulthood does exist and that it is possible to make this friendship at this stage (rather than a long friendship from childhood). In fact, the richness of experience in life, love and loss that two adults bring to the table can make for a deeper friendship than relying on the ties of the past. I look at my mother and see that all of her really close friends are the ones she made in the neighborhood where we grew up with the parents of the kids who became our childhood friends. They still take trips together and rely on each other, even though the kids are long since grown and most of these women have moved out of the old neighborhood. I think it just takes time, years of shared experience and work, to really grow into this type of friendship with someone.

    At least, this is my hope.

  3. Kathryn,
    I love your comment. I do hope this is true, that it can be achieved as adults. My original idea for this post was to be on community, which I think I will write about next. I’m very curious as to how this all works. I feel sometimes I have no idea what it means to have close friendships. I’m not afraid of getting close to people, or maybe I am because I think that either I will leave or they will.

    It was hard when I heard you were moving away and Erica and another new Mommy friend of mine. Now it’s almost 2 years later (after having a baby) and I still don’t have a “close” small group of friends that regularly hang out. My friends are a mix of near and far, young and old, single and married.

    Do you feel, with a military husband, that you will (or already do) have close friendships like this?

  4. Nikki Marquez says:

    It took me a very long time to find someone that would be brutally honest with me and love me for who I am, but not just that but identify with me and “click”. Strangely she is younger than me, was single when I met her (but is married now), and doesn’t yet have kids. She is so very opposite from me in personality but we often share the same interests and where we don’t we are amused by this. She remembers things that I would never think she would and visa versa. The day I realized she was my best friend and she mine and we were talking about why we worked so well. I told her, “you are comfortable to my heart”, we “awed” and laughed and ever since it’s our catch phrase and what we sign on cards to this day. She’s been around for 5 years so far, I stood in her wedding and she is God-parent to both my kiddos. They call her Aunt Mallory and I’m so very thankful for her. Long story short, IT is not a crazy dream. Strangely we often talk about how we would have never gotten along early on in life. You will understand this Beck, I think knowing me pretty well. She was a CHEERLEADER, the stereo typical type. lol

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