This sleep regression will not stand, man

Sleep regression is the dirty secret no one ever tells you about before becoming a parent. Long before E was even a concept, I have a vague memory of my sister saying that my nephew had “forgotten how to sleep.” I had no idea what that meant or whether it was just his problem or something that affected all babies. Cut to E’s 3-month(ish) birthday and our little sound sleeper turned Sleep Terrorist who woke up 5,000 times a night. Now I knew what she meant. And I needed answers, dammit.

So I, like many people these days, took to the Internet to learn more about “sleep regression.” I found great information (and a lot of empathy) on the parenting advice website, Ask Moxie, among others, as well as the book “The Wonder Weeks”. The following is a synopsis of what I learned.

Basically, a sleep regression is when sleep falls apart due to your child’s working on a new physical or mental development. They can last anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months (I KNOW), depending on your kid. We found that during these periods of regression, because sleep isn’t “linear” per se (even as an adult I have bumpy patches of sleep), that we would have OK nights and naps as well as nights and naps From the Depths of Hell. But the latter were dominant—that characterizes a regression.

Here is a breakdown of when they happen (approximately):

• 4 months Why: waking up to the world, understanding that there are patterns to events, end of the “4th trimester.”

• 9 months Why: understanding that the world’s components can be fit into categories; gross motor skills development, like crawling.

• 13 months Why: understanding that things can take place in any number of sequences; here is where we dropped down to one nap—ouch.

• 18 months Why: understanding that there are many activities that can be undertaken and in a variety of different ways; language really taking off, including the discovery of The Tantrum.

• 24 months Why: understanding systems, choices, and consequences of choices.

Ways deal

During these regressive times (including now—we’ve hit the 18-month one), we found that NOTHING calms E down enough to sleep when she wakes in the night except coming into our bed (which, for the record, isn’t particularly restful for us, since she is a Thrasher and a Kicker). Trying to get her back down is futile—she’ll be completely asleep (and even sometimes snoring!) but the second we put her down, she is up and wailing. Repeat, ad infinitum (including me nearing spontaneous combustion out of frustration). So between being kicked and getting into a sleep battle, I’ll take being kicked. Really, “regression” is a good term. While we do try to adhere to our sleep routines as much as possible during these time, we often have to regress our getting-to-sleep techniques, using those from when E was much younger, such as rocking, bouncing on the ball, and if we’re lucky, nursing to sleep. And of course the good news is, it passes. You will gradually have fewer and fewer bad naps/nights and then you’re back on track.

In my opinion, I’d say forget re-sleep training (if you went that route to begin with) at this point. It’s not a sleep training issue, it’s a developmental thing and you really have little control over it. You will save yourself a lot of frustration if you just try to ride it out and do what you can to help everyone get as much sleep as possible. I speak from experience. E’s 13-month regression coincided with a trip we took where we were all staying in the same hotel room together (normally, she sleeps in a crib in her own room), and that certainly didn’t help things; plus, she was doing the One-Nap-Two-Nap Shuffle. When we returned home, we tried in earnest to re-Ferberize, to no avail—her crying just escalated, no matter how many comforting visits she got. We wound up doing a sleep consultation with Ann Keppler which did help us figure a few things out, but it also happened to fall at the tail end of her regression.

Sleep regressions are just one of those miserable things you Just Have to Get Through. As Moxie says,

…You’re going to have to accept that the kid just can’t sleep straight through until some of this [development] is over with. Which means your plan shifts from Get Kid To Stay Asleep to Maximize Sleep For Everyone Else. This is not the time to pretend you know what’s going on or that you have it all under control. This is not the time to say “your job is this and mine is that.” It’s the time to divide up the schedule so everyone gets 5 hours at a stretch if possible. If one of you has to go to sleep at 8 pm and take the 8–1 shift so the other has the 1–6 shift, do it. Here are the important things to remember: Lots of us have been through it. You will get through it. There is nothing inherently wrong with your child—this is normal. Hideous and demoralizing, but normal. You’re doing a good job.

Further reading

• Ask Moxie: moxie blogs and a reminder about sleep regressions; and techniques from readers.

• Surviving Motherhood: Sleep regressions and how to deal.